when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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