So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm at about main and main street
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
