respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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