It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize