I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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