i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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