worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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