I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am naked and annoyed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize