Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
