That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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