so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
