I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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