i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
