6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
