it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
