i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
someone threw a dead crab at me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
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