I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
