Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
