Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
