She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
