i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Let's paint friendship bongs
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
