dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
