You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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