I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
