k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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