You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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