you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You are the jesus of drinking
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
