happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
