watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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