I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
