I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
