I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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