please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
