his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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