either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
