i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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