Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
