Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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