I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize