he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
