Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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