And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
