I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
