I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
