Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
