I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
