I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize