God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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