HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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