Well douche your snatch and let's go!
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
