Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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