Will you blow on my dice?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We're too hungover to prance.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
