my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
