So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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