i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
