This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
