I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
